I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
