She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
