wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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