Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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