Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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