Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
