dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize