I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
