she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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