So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
