wrigley field is MILF paradise
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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