Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
