Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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