I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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