Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
