Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I don't deserve a penis
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
