You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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