I heard we made out
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
