My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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