Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
