clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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