How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
