i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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