im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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