I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
