You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
