Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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