Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Randomize
