you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Dignity is for republicans.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
