I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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