What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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