I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
