the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
