I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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