my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
