she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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