i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
