Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
