I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
God gave him joint rollers for hands
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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