You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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