a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
