Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
