sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
