The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So here I am, sexting at work.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
