I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
