If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize