Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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