If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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