no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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