thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
