i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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