I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
