If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
