the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
