i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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