how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
