Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
