She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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