can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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