i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
