I showed him my bush... on skype.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
